The Banjax Review Outlet

2004-08-08T02:59:00.000-07:00

New York Minute
or
Why Formulas Work

Since no one else wanted or even cared for the assignment of breaking down and analyzing the Olsen Twins romp on the big screen, I took up the mantle and ran with it. Yes, truth be told, I watched the entire film. I must admit, it took a couple of tries to get through it, but these things happen. Twenty minutes in and I needed an art fix and bad, so I took a couple hours off to roll around in the fertile fields of David Lynch's imagination before finding the strength to dredge on and finish that puppy. And, after all that effort of attempting, failing, and finally finishing it, I can only, honestly, say one thing about New York Minute, I never wanted to kill myself because of the movie.

These days, sadly, that's saying alot.

For instance, saying this is the Citizen Kane of Olsen Twins movies, which it may very well be, is akin to saying Carrot Top is the Lenny Bruce for the mentally challenged set. It's sheer pandering deadset mindless ambition towards following the "Formula" of middle of the road "teen comedies" is in a word, astounding. And yet, it works.
Why? Because it follows the formula. And it does it perfectly.

Will the "bad girl" sister and the "good girl" sister get into loads of trouble and yet find happiness with both each other and within themselves? Yes.

Will they both meet "the perfect guy"? Yes.

Do they find that by being themselves they can achieve true happiness while still having fun? But of fucking course.

Will everything work out in the end? Did you have any doubt?

If you did, there is simply something wrong with you. Perhaps you tend to think too little, or are not yet at an age where honest and imaginative thought has found its way into your life. Maybe, just maybe, you are new to America and have spent the past two decades living at the bottom of a goat dung silo in southern Urbakifukastan and this is the first "moving picture" you have ever seen, if such is the case then pay me no mind. Welcome to freedom, my friend, can I interest you in a real movie today?

So, if we all know how things turn out in so-called "Formula" or "Cookie cutter" movies, why do they work?
Simple, it's comfort food for our emotions. Take any random modern romantic comedy...

A guy and a girl meet, fall in love under odd circumstances, find that the void that seperates them is either too great or too different, split up in an emotionally charged scene (more than likely in the rain in a major metropolitan city street), then finaly realize they love each other enough to make things work after all and live "happily ever after".

Now, name that movie.

I'll wait over here, take your time.
Think around the problem....
There you go, you've got it. There is no answer 'cuz that's 70% of the time the plot of ANY MAJOR HOLLYWOOD ROMANTIC COMEDY! Throw in a fart joke or a lesbian bit for the guys and you've got box office gold.

It works because we WANT to know that, in the end, everything is gonna be OK. We want... no, we NEED the lie to get through another shitty, let down again kind of day.
And now you know. Stay the fuck away from this cinematic abortion and be happy with the life you have..

Next week...
KILL BILL vol 1 and 2

-BANJAX

2004-07-06T02:52:00.000-07:00

Fahrenheit 9/11

or

How we can all benefit from war

I go online and reads dozens of testimonials from those who have seen the film, still weepy eyed and torn up inside, hailing this "staggering work of genius" for doing nothing more than the unthinkable... showing Americans the truth. Wow. Hold that thought in your head for a moment, savor it. For years now, the media and powers that be have held the truth from us as protection.

"The American People don't want to see the horrors of war on their TV every night, they wouldn't understand what they were seeing anyway. Better we water down and fluff up their worldview with Entertainment Tonight and tabloid journalism and let them feel good about being an American."

Or so they thought.
As I read these reports about people, GASP!, American people standing in hours long lines, in the rain, all night and whatnot, I wonder what proples them to such an act. It comes to me quickly, the have come to remember what it is like to feel again. Just to feel, after so long, to be able to feel anything except the numb shock of fear, to feel real pain, to know mute anger and rage not for having been attacked by invisible monsters, but for having been lied to and knowing who has lied to you. It speaks volumes by itself, truly. They stand and debate and for the first time in ages, really think about the world they live and and ask the big question, WHY?

So, as I mentioned in the title, how do we all benefit from this war. From this film Mr. Moore has given us? Simple, Fahrenheit 9/11 has made some serious fucking bank.

See, when an "outsider" film makes some serious cash and raises the collective eyebrows of America the giants of industry say, "Hey, why don't we do the same thing? It worked for that guy, why won't it work for us?" Normally, this would, for serious, be a BAD THING. A copy of a copy that makes it's own copies and blatantly tells you it's a copy of the original usually is a terrible thing to behold, but not here. Since what really makes the film work is not the format, shit man, it's not even the subject at hand that makes this puppy universally successful in America. It the fact that the film tells the truth, doesn't hold your hand and tell you everything is gonna be alright. The film lets the facts speak for themselves, then tosses some well placed humor and propaganda in for good measure, you know, for the kids.

If the giants of industry take note of this and give us back the news we so obviously crave in this day of FOX NEWS NOW and ET and ACCESS HOLLYWOOD, give us the truth no matter how painfull, how fucking REAL it is, then we all will benefit from an unjust war waged by a talking monkey prodded with a glass of Jim Beam, a snort of coke every other day, and a gun to his unthinking head held by his masters.

In closing, I really look forward to being able to see the flick, at least, y'know in a theatre and not from bit torrent, but it's sold out for the next week. Oh well, until next time kids...

-banjax

2004-06-12T22:47:00.000-07:00

The Banjax Video Pick of the Week is...

The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plot (via IMDb):
"A dedicated scientist, aided by his clueless wife, rolls up his shirt sleeves and tries to save the world from a radioactive monster, curious space aliens, an evil scientist and a crabby skeleton in this send-up of the best of the B movies of the 1950's."

Man, what a lame description. Mere words do not justice to this, possibly the most daring independent movie of our, or any other time. The greatest screen gem ever created, a movie so rich in texture it may very well change you very life!!!

Then again, prehaps I'm overselling just a wee bit.

See it for yourself, witness the genius of "ANIMALA"! Behold the horror of "THE MUTANT"! Can your mind wrap around the diabolical terror of seeing, yes SEEING, a skeleton walk as a man?!

Never before has a man, the woman he loves, two aliens, a hideous Mutant, a living skeleton, a mad scientist, and a cat woman from beyond reality been so god damn much fun.

I SLEEP NOW! SHUT UP!
-banjax

2004-05-11T04:25:00.000-07:00

Oh, and by the way, if you have any comments, feel free to let me know, just click the time stamp to the right of my posts to leave a comment, you might have to scroll to the bottom of the post, but there you'll find a link saying "post a comment" feel free to do so. I mean, shit, it's the only way I'll learn.

Kisses and bites,
Banjax

2004-05-11T03:51:00.000-07:00

Well, it's finally here, the first review. I've been waiting for just the right movie to start things off with and I've finally found it, Disney's Brother Bear.

Brother Bear arrived in theatres this past holiday season with little fanfare and few critical reviews. Most found it to be a fairly pedestrian affair, a half hearted attempt from the House of Mouse to capture a genie in a bottle. Knowing it was almost surely and by default going to be nominated for best Animated Feature might have helped foster such feelings of resentment. A poor marketing campaign did little to dissuade such feelings. I mean seriously here, "Bob and Doug McKenzie" as the voices of the two moose, or meese, or two mooses or what the fuck ever? The shit, man? Who props up a multimillion dollar ad campaign on two half remembered pop culture semi-icon whose only footnote in history was "Strange Brew"? Sure, the cats, they had the funny, but it's been, what? Twenty years since they first appeared on SCTV? Not the best idea.

But, getting past all that, getting past the terrible inclusion of another set of half-assed Phil Collins throw away songs, getting past all that and you find... the best damn original Disney movie that doesn't have the word PIXAR involved.

OK, since this whole thing is new, this being the first review, it's time to lay the ground rules of shit; no spoilers unless it's a shit film with a terrible twist ending (as in Indentity, where the whole thing is just a demented rambling hallucination of a split personality jackass. see, when you read it it don't make shit for sense, but it made beaucoup dollars at the box office, go figure), or if I seriously think no human being should ever sit through such a massive waste of time (case in point being the abortion called Stuck on You, the mere thought of which makes my stomach chun, my bowels loosen, and bile begins to fill my mouth.). Also, I'm gonna assume you, being here in the first place, know at least a little bit about whatever popular titles I'm talking about, so no summing up a picture unless it's really obscure (like Spider, from David Cronenberg, which kinda slipped into the cracks of theatres everywhere and pretty much went straight to video in the states). That being said, let's move on, shall we?

Anyhoo, Brother Bear, once you get past all the baggage you might be bringing on board for this trip, is just simply stunning. The radical shift of perspective between the first 24 minutes and the rest of it is simply amazing. The Disney machine really gets shit right in that first crutical 24 mintues, highly realistic animation, completely from the human perspective, it just sets a wonderful tone that reminded me of Princess Mononoke. Highly naturalistic, fluid, excellent animation.

But, the real meat of the story is after the transformation. And that's where the true heart of the story lay waiting. Taking on a more "cartoon" aspect the film shifts gears and persents a world of, well let's be honest here, talking animals. wow. Never seen that before in a Disney flick.

But here, this time, it's different. We, the audience, are forced to see both perspectives at the same time. The hunter and the hunted. The man vs. beast though both sets of eyes. And at different times. Sure, you can see where this is all going just by reading the back of the oversized clamshell box, but it's the trip you take to get there that just makes it worth your time.

And in the end, that's what this site is all about. I'm not here to tell you, or even suggest to you what is good and what is the dogshit you scape off your boot after a long day of stepping in dogshit. All I'm here to do is help you not waste your time watching terrible terrible films, like Stuck on You.

Time is all we have, and we have so little of it.
Why waste it on dogshit?
Choose the Banjax review outlet, everytime, and you'll not go wrong.

Be well my friends,
Banjax

2004-03-06T12:04:00.000-08:00

What? You can't read, come back later. Seriously.

2004-03-06T11:05:00.000-08:00

Under Contruction, come back later douchebag.